June 5th

The surrogacy process is going well. The couple I'm working with has decided to switch Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE). This will end up being a good thing because we will be able to move forward more quickly now. The new RE has been much faster to respond to questions and work on scheduling.

The next step for me is to review the legal contract with my lawyer and then wait to hear from the clinic about my travel and appointments.

In other news, I've been working a lot over the past few days. The website is getting better all the time. I will probably try to take the kids to do something fun in the next couple days.

Tomorrow, L is going to the dentist to finish getting his crowns. He wasn't scheduled until the end of the month, but he spent all night crying due to pain and now has swelling and a fever. Poor boy! I'll be glad to get the dental work done and hopefully we will be able to maintain his oral health better from now on.

See his swollen face?

May 31st

The boys and I have had a pretty normal day today. It was nice after all the traveling.

I decided its time to start paying attention to my diet and exercise habits again. I guess a year long break is long enough. I got up at six and walked/ran with the dog 1.5 miles. Then I had some scrambled eggs. I'm going to cut a lot of carbs since that seems to make the most difference for me. I only want to lose about 10 lbs, so it won't be too hard.

After that I started reformatting a book for IPI. Then the doorbell rang and freaked me out - no one ever comes to our door. I had forgotten about the physical I was getting for my life insurance policy (for the surrogacy). When that was done, the boys and I did a 20 min Turbojam workout. I gave them gems for working out with me since that seems like a responsible choice to make.

This afternoon I worked some more while G took a nap and C and L worked on cleaning the basement. Now we are hanging out in the backyard. Mr. Millipede Man is searching for bugs and the other two are watching.

All in all it's been a nice day.

Magical Unicorn

Okay, obviously I am a sucky blogger.  This is never going to become a livelihood.  Oh well.  I still enjoy having a place to write what I want when I want to.

School just ended for winter recess which means I am halfway through another school year.  This also means it is time for my stress level to shoot through the roof (although I swear it has been way worse this year) and it is time for me to start looking for a new job.  My husband insists that I mull over a new job at this point every school year as well, but this time I'm actually researching what it would take to switch careers. 

It's not that I hate my career, in fact I actually really enjoy the majority of my students this year; I'm mostly tired of continuing in a field that doesn't seem to be adapting to the changes in society at a fast enough rate.  Most of today's students struggle with sitting in a classroom and staying focused.  I don't get to teach as much as I try to nudge their behaviors and social skills in a more positive directions. 

How do I meld the required curriculum outcomes with real world application?  What should I do about students who make a choice to fail and are therefore a drain on classroom resources?  How do I balance the needs of one student against the needs of an entire class?  Teachers struggle with these questions all the time, but somedays it seems like it gets to be too much.

So I hop online and search out new career ideas, but I don't really know what I want to do, and I don't have much in the way of resources.  We need my income to finance our lifestyle.  So I will sit in my bubblebath and dream of other jobs: ones where there's not quite so many expectations, the coworkers and bosses are always friendly and helpful, and the pay actually equals the workload, oh and I suppose I'd like a magical unicorn - as long as I'm dreaming.

Funk

I feel like I am in a funk. I'm working my butt off to grade student work and return it in a timely manner, but the quality of said work stinks because they don't put forth any real effort. Of course now I'm stereotyping my students. I do have some very bright, hardworking kiddos in my classes, I just wish there were more of them. Someday maybe our country will rethink the education system and reward those who are dedicated to learning.

On a brighter note, Gee gee is starting to verbally communicate more often. Today he said both of his brothers' names and told me "get out please" when he wanted down from his high chair. It is so much fun to watch him grow, but I'm sad that my baby is getting less babyish. Although I won't be too sad to see his tantrums go. He can sure throw a good fit when he wants something. I think his favorite word is "mine!" Hopefully Luke and I will continue to raise him well, so that when he becomes a teenager he'll be one of the bright and dedicated people willing and wanting to learn.

Black Friday

Our tradition is being ruined! Black Friday is becoming Black Thursday. 

For the last few years, Mom and I have spent hours planning our early morning shopping excursion.  We anxiously await the Thanksgiving newspaper and pore over the ads and circulars looking for great deals and store opening hours.  Then we strategically order our trip by opening hours, which items are a must, and location.  Since we are both planners, this is one of the best parts of the whole Black Friday ritual.

At 3:00 am, we get up, shower, and make a pot of coffee.  We gather any supplies we might need like travel coffee mugs - last year we took my whole insulated carafe.  Then we hit the lines. Usually mom is complaining the whole time: "What are we thinking...look at these lines...I need more coffee...do we really need this?"  If she doesn't moan enough, I join in saying: "This is so much fun...I'm freezing...look at those crazy people in front of us...I need more coffee"  After going to the top two or three stores, we meet the boys for breakfast (they've usually just woken up).  Then we hit the last few places on our list.  

Here's the kicker, the majority of the time we don't actually need/want any of the "great deals".  We just go for the fun of it.  Being early morning people is a plus; and, surprisingly enough after seeing all the bad press about crabby, pushy shopppers, most of the people we encounter are cheerful, helpful, and smiling.  I can really see the true spirit of christmas generosity, even on this day that epitomizes all that is Corporate America. 

It saddens me that opening times are getting earlier and earlier.  I want to keep our tradition, but I don't want to cut into the time we spend together on Thanksgiving.  Being together as a family and reminding ourselves of what we really have to be thankful for is so much more important than being at the front of the line.  I guess we'll have to see the ads this year and evaluate times, deals, and locations just like we usually do before we make any changes; but it just seems wrong to line up immediately after washing the last dessert plate from family dinner. Maybe the mother-daughter tradition will have to die to save the family tradition.

Internal Critic

As I continue to seek my right livelihood by committing to the truth, I acknowledge that I am governed by an internal critic who forces me to choose one thing over another. Here are a few comments I hear from my critic:

• Either you work out 1 hour/day every day of the week or you'll become a fat slob.
• Either you get everything done at work or you'll get fired.
• If you eat that, then you'll lose all self-control and completely blow your diet.
• If you don't get an "A" on every paper, you'll never get a PhD.
• If you don't work harder, you won't deserve the salary you're paid.

For most of my life, I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy, not being good enough. In fact, I half-seriously told my husband that I feared my epitaph would read, "She tried hard, but wasn't quite good enough." Ironically, though, when I quit drinking and heard about other people's drunken exploits, I'd think, "Well, at least I wasn't THAT bad."

In the past year, I have intentionally practiced what I refer to as generosity of spirit with myself, my husband, family, friends, and co-workers. Instead of crabbing about a perceived slight, I think, "Maybe it has nothing to do with me. Maybe she's just having a bad day." Rather than avoiding situations that might make me anxious, I think, "It's important to her that I be there so even though I might be uncomfortable not knowing people, today it's not about me."

This has opened me up in ways I haven't anticipated. I feel generous, compassionate, and welcoming with others and with myself...including my internal critic. So finally, I'm able to exercise gently rather than as self-flagellation. Today I walk around the lake instead of doing P90X for not 90, but 180 days. I'm able to pace myself at work and leave some things undone, knowing that tomorrow I can work on it again. I can appreciate how hard I work instead of feeling as though I should be doing more. I can find a diet that enables me to be healthy without feeling deprived.

Unfortunately, I came to this too late to allow myself to get a "B" in my doctoral program. But I often think of my dear friend and colleague watched me study, work, and prepare for four years and who said, "Deb, do you know what they'll call you if you get a "B"?" Eyes wide open and heart beating wildly, I said,"No, what will they call me?" And she replied, "Doctor."

Holy Grail

I'm constantly searching for the perfect _____.  You know you are too.  Whatever the holy grail item might be for you, it seems ever out of reach.  Case in point, I am always on the lookout for the perfect travel mug for coffee.  Once upon a time I could have cared less about drinking coffee; I was indifferent to it, but those days have most certainly passed for me.  I love coffee!  I carefully ration myself to two cups (mugs) a day for the most part.  One cup I enjoy over my breakfast in the morning, the other I take with me to work, trying to brighten my daily grind with caffeine.  My only dilemma is the fact that I can't find my perfect java transport device. 

Here is a pictoral chronology of my travel mugs thus far. (not including the ones that were such a p.o.s. that they have already been thrown away)

This one was pretty cheap, but the inside is plastic and it smells funny after having one too many coffees (with cream) left sitting in it for far too long.

This one kept the coffee hot, which I loved, but the lid was a nightmare to get clean.  In fact, I'm not sure that the lid has ever really gotten clean. Eww.

This one was a cheap freebie gift from my work.  It does keep the coffee hot, but the lid isn't very secure.  Plus the metal inside made my coffee taste metallic. 

This one was a gift from my hubby for Christmas last year. It's not too bad; the lid is tight and keeps the liquid in, but the coffee doesn't stay as hot as I'd like it to.

My most current travel mug (I've used it twice now since we bought it on Saturday).  I liked the simple design, and the lid seems like a good fit; but coffee still doesn't stay hot enough.  <Sigh>

So the search continues for the best, easy to clean, keeps my coffee scalding, doesn't leak if turned on its side travel mug ever.  Does it really exist?  Surely it must, but will I be willing to pay the exorbitant price tag attached to my travel mug holy grail?