I feel like I am in a funk. I'm working my butt off to grade student work and return it in a timely manner, but the quality of said work stinks because they don't put forth any real effort. Of course now I'm stereotyping my students. I do have some very bright, hardworking kiddos in my classes, I just wish there were more of them. Someday maybe our country will rethink the education system and reward those who are dedicated to learning.
On a brighter note, Gee gee is starting to verbally communicate more often. Today he said both of his brothers' names and told me "get out please" when he wanted down from his high chair. It is so much fun to watch him grow, but I'm sad that my baby is getting less babyish. Although I won't be too sad to see his tantrums go. He can sure throw a good fit when he wants something. I think his favorite word is "mine!" Hopefully Luke and I will continue to raise him well, so that when he becomes a teenager he'll be one of the bright and dedicated people willing and wanting to learn.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Black Friday
Our tradition is being ruined! Black Friday is becoming Black Thursday.
For the last few years, Mom and I have spent hours planning our early morning shopping excursion. We anxiously await the Thanksgiving newspaper and pore over the ads and circulars looking for great deals and store opening hours. Then we strategically order our trip by opening hours, which items are a must, and location. Since we are both planners, this is one of the best parts of the whole Black Friday ritual.
At 3:00 am, we get up, shower, and make a pot of coffee. We gather any supplies we might need like travel coffee mugs - last year we took my whole insulated carafe. Then we hit the lines. Usually mom is complaining the whole time: "What are we thinking...look at these lines...I need more coffee...do we really need this?" If she doesn't moan enough, I join in saying: "This is so much fun...I'm freezing...look at those crazy people in front of us...I need more coffee" After going to the top two or three stores, we meet the boys for breakfast (they've usually just woken up). Then we hit the last few places on our list.
Here's the kicker, the majority of the time we don't actually need/want any of the "great deals". We just go for the fun of it. Being early morning people is a plus; and, surprisingly enough after seeing all the bad press about crabby, pushy shopppers, most of the people we encounter are cheerful, helpful, and smiling. I can really see the true spirit of christmas generosity, even on this day that epitomizes all that is Corporate America.
It saddens me that opening times are getting earlier and earlier. I want to keep our tradition, but I don't want to cut into the time we spend together on Thanksgiving. Being together as a family and reminding ourselves of what we really have to be thankful for is so much more important than being at the front of the line. I guess we'll have to see the ads this year and evaluate times, deals, and locations just like we usually do before we make any changes; but it just seems wrong to line up immediately after washing the last dessert plate from family dinner. Maybe the mother-daughter tradition will have to die to save the family tradition.
For the last few years, Mom and I have spent hours planning our early morning shopping excursion. We anxiously await the Thanksgiving newspaper and pore over the ads and circulars looking for great deals and store opening hours. Then we strategically order our trip by opening hours, which items are a must, and location. Since we are both planners, this is one of the best parts of the whole Black Friday ritual.
At 3:00 am, we get up, shower, and make a pot of coffee. We gather any supplies we might need like travel coffee mugs - last year we took my whole insulated carafe. Then we hit the lines. Usually mom is complaining the whole time: "What are we thinking...look at these lines...I need more coffee...do we really need this?" If she doesn't moan enough, I join in saying: "This is so much fun...I'm freezing...look at those crazy people in front of us...I need more coffee" After going to the top two or three stores, we meet the boys for breakfast (they've usually just woken up). Then we hit the last few places on our list.
Here's the kicker, the majority of the time we don't actually need/want any of the "great deals". We just go for the fun of it. Being early morning people is a plus; and, surprisingly enough after seeing all the bad press about crabby, pushy shopppers, most of the people we encounter are cheerful, helpful, and smiling. I can really see the true spirit of christmas generosity, even on this day that epitomizes all that is Corporate America.
It saddens me that opening times are getting earlier and earlier. I want to keep our tradition, but I don't want to cut into the time we spend together on Thanksgiving. Being together as a family and reminding ourselves of what we really have to be thankful for is so much more important than being at the front of the line. I guess we'll have to see the ads this year and evaluate times, deals, and locations just like we usually do before we make any changes; but it just seems wrong to line up immediately after washing the last dessert plate from family dinner. Maybe the mother-daughter tradition will have to die to save the family tradition.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Internal Critic
As I continue to seek my right livelihood by committing to the truth, I acknowledge that I am governed by an internal critic who forces me to choose one thing over another. Here are a few comments I hear from my critic:
In the past year, I have intentionally practiced what I refer to as generosity of spirit with myself, my husband, family, friends, and co-workers. Instead of crabbing about a perceived slight, I think, "Maybe it has nothing to do with me. Maybe she's just having a bad day." Rather than avoiding situations that might make me anxious, I think, "It's important to her that I be there so even though I might be uncomfortable not knowing people, today it's not about me."
This has opened me up in ways I haven't anticipated. I feel generous, compassionate, and welcoming with others and with myself...including my internal critic. So finally, I'm able to exercise gently rather than as self-flagellation. Today I walk around the lake instead of doing P90X for not 90, but 180 days. I'm able to pace myself at work and leave some things undone, knowing that tomorrow I can work on it again. I can appreciate how hard I work instead of feeling as though I should be doing more. I can find a diet that enables me to be healthy without feeling deprived.
Unfortunately, I came to this too late to allow myself to get a "B" in my doctoral program. But I often think of my dear friend and colleague watched me study, work, and prepare for four years and who said, "Deb, do you know what they'll call you if you get a "B"?" Eyes wide open and heart beating wildly, I said,"No, what will they call me?" And she replied, "Doctor."
- Either you work out 1 hour/day every day of the week or you'll become a fat slob.
- Either you get everything done at work or you'll get fired.
- If you eat that, then you'll lose all self-control and completely blow your diet.
- If you don't get an "A" on every paper, you'll never get a PhD.
- If you don't work harder, you won't deserve the salary you're paid.
In the past year, I have intentionally practiced what I refer to as generosity of spirit with myself, my husband, family, friends, and co-workers. Instead of crabbing about a perceived slight, I think, "Maybe it has nothing to do with me. Maybe she's just having a bad day." Rather than avoiding situations that might make me anxious, I think, "It's important to her that I be there so even though I might be uncomfortable not knowing people, today it's not about me."
This has opened me up in ways I haven't anticipated. I feel generous, compassionate, and welcoming with others and with myself...including my internal critic. So finally, I'm able to exercise gently rather than as self-flagellation. Today I walk around the lake instead of doing P90X for not 90, but 180 days. I'm able to pace myself at work and leave some things undone, knowing that tomorrow I can work on it again. I can appreciate how hard I work instead of feeling as though I should be doing more. I can find a diet that enables me to be healthy without feeling deprived.
Unfortunately, I came to this too late to allow myself to get a "B" in my doctoral program. But I often think of my dear friend and colleague watched me study, work, and prepare for four years and who said, "Deb, do you know what they'll call you if you get a "B"?" Eyes wide open and heart beating wildly, I said,"No, what will they call me?" And she replied, "Doctor."
Monday, November 7, 2011
Holy Grail
I'm constantly searching for the perfect _____. You know you are too. Whatever the holy grail item might be for you, it seems ever out of reach. Case in point, I am always on the lookout for the perfect travel mug for coffee. Once upon a time I could have cared less about drinking coffee; I was indifferent to it, but those days have most certainly passed for me. I love coffee! I carefully ration myself to two cups (mugs) a day for the most part. One cup I enjoy over my breakfast in the morning, the other I take with me to work, trying to brighten my daily grind with caffeine. My only dilemma is the fact that I can't find my perfect java transport device.
Here is a pictoral chronology of my travel mugs thus far. (not including the ones that were such a p.o.s. that they have already been thrown away)
This one was pretty cheap, but the inside is plastic and it smells funny after having one too many coffees (with cream) left sitting in it for far too long.
This one kept the coffee hot, which I loved, but the lid was a nightmare to get clean. In fact, I'm not sure that the lid has ever really gotten clean. Eww.
This one was a cheap freebie gift from my work. It does keep the coffee hot, but the lid isn't very secure. Plus the metal inside made my coffee taste metallic.
This one was a gift from my hubby for Christmas last year. It's not too bad; the lid is tight and keeps the liquid in, but the coffee doesn't stay as hot as I'd like it to.
My most current travel mug (I've used it twice now since we bought it on Saturday). I liked the simple design, and the lid seems like a good fit; but coffee still doesn't stay hot enough. <Sigh>
So the search continues for the best, easy to clean, keeps my coffee scalding, doesn't leak if turned on its side travel mug ever. Does it really exist? Surely it must, but will I be willing to pay the exorbitant price tag attached to my travel mug holy grail?
Here is a pictoral chronology of my travel mugs thus far. (not including the ones that were such a p.o.s. that they have already been thrown away)
This one was pretty cheap, but the inside is plastic and it smells funny after having one too many coffees (with cream) left sitting in it for far too long.
This one kept the coffee hot, which I loved, but the lid was a nightmare to get clean. In fact, I'm not sure that the lid has ever really gotten clean. Eww.
This one was a cheap freebie gift from my work. It does keep the coffee hot, but the lid isn't very secure. Plus the metal inside made my coffee taste metallic.
This one was a gift from my hubby for Christmas last year. It's not too bad; the lid is tight and keeps the liquid in, but the coffee doesn't stay as hot as I'd like it to.
My most current travel mug (I've used it twice now since we bought it on Saturday). I liked the simple design, and the lid seems like a good fit; but coffee still doesn't stay hot enough. <Sigh>
So the search continues for the best, easy to clean, keeps my coffee scalding, doesn't leak if turned on its side travel mug ever. Does it really exist? Surely it must, but will I be willing to pay the exorbitant price tag attached to my travel mug holy grail?
Commitment to the Truth
Last year, a colleague and I were selected to participate in a resiliency project, designed to reduce secondary traumatic stress among child welfare staff. We attended workshops, participated in monthly consultation, and devised lists of strategies child welfare organizations could implement to improve morale and reduce turnover.
Last week, I was asked to review and revise one of the curriculum modules titled Healthy Coping. After researching the topic, I proposed that a child welfare organization would be healthy if attention were paid to: 1) Commitment to the Truth; 2) Empathic Attunement; and 3) Intentional Practice. Then I also had the realization that, although based in organizational theory and psychotherapy literature, these components apply equally as well to my life.
Commitment to the Truth has resonated most with me ever since...it does not mean seeking some grand narrative or Big T truth; rather, it means to look at the ways we deceive ourselves about the impact of our work, the decisions we make and the ways we behave (with apologies to Peter Senge for my liberal interpretation).
I like to think I'm committed to the truth, but have realized it isn't as simple as it seems. As much therapy as I've been in, one would think I'd have this figured out by now, but the truth is, I question whether it's possible to fully know oneself. If I'm constantly changing (and I hope I am), then wouldn't my truths change as well?
For example, for many years, I've met many of my social needs through work. I make friends at work and enjoy my time with co-workers. And although I like to think that I'm fair-minded and objective and can hear all sides of a story before coming to a conclusion, the truth is, I seek out office drama far too often, and tend to naively believe whoever is telling the story. Last week, I committed to the truth when I admitted I participated in gossip and that I was going to stop. Since then, I've been more productive at work, happier with how I spend my time, but honestly, I've been lonelier, too. I don't seek out my co-workers to socialize and realize I need to get my social needs met in a different way.
On a personal level, I committed to the truth when I admitted I could no longer control my drinking and needed to stop. Besides giving up alcohol, I also gave up my social life - at least as it was then - no more happy hours at my favorite wine bar; no more buying a case of wine a week - a CASE! I missed the alcohol for the first year and a half, but not anymore. I miss the friendships every day. Still, I rarely talk about my alcoholism - indeed, I rarely use that word to describe myself - an indicator that this truth is still too painful to write about as openly I'd like.
Finally, I committed to the truth when I started writing this blog. When I wrote about friendships a couple weeks ago, it felt pretty raw and I was feeling vulnerable. So much so that I wanted to flee - from this blog, from sharing my feelings, from feeling so exposed. Yet, being committed to the truth means to be willing to look at the ways I've deceived myself. Running away from my feelings, from what other people might think, from being vulnerable - running away from living keeps me lonely. And I'm committed to the truth of finding peace and contentment. So I'll keep putting myself out there.
Last week, I was asked to review and revise one of the curriculum modules titled Healthy Coping. After researching the topic, I proposed that a child welfare organization would be healthy if attention were paid to: 1) Commitment to the Truth; 2) Empathic Attunement; and 3) Intentional Practice. Then I also had the realization that, although based in organizational theory and psychotherapy literature, these components apply equally as well to my life.
Commitment to the Truth has resonated most with me ever since...it does not mean seeking some grand narrative or Big T truth; rather, it means to look at the ways we deceive ourselves about the impact of our work, the decisions we make and the ways we behave (with apologies to Peter Senge for my liberal interpretation).
I like to think I'm committed to the truth, but have realized it isn't as simple as it seems. As much therapy as I've been in, one would think I'd have this figured out by now, but the truth is, I question whether it's possible to fully know oneself. If I'm constantly changing (and I hope I am), then wouldn't my truths change as well?
For example, for many years, I've met many of my social needs through work. I make friends at work and enjoy my time with co-workers. And although I like to think that I'm fair-minded and objective and can hear all sides of a story before coming to a conclusion, the truth is, I seek out office drama far too often, and tend to naively believe whoever is telling the story. Last week, I committed to the truth when I admitted I participated in gossip and that I was going to stop. Since then, I've been more productive at work, happier with how I spend my time, but honestly, I've been lonelier, too. I don't seek out my co-workers to socialize and realize I need to get my social needs met in a different way.
On a personal level, I committed to the truth when I admitted I could no longer control my drinking and needed to stop. Besides giving up alcohol, I also gave up my social life - at least as it was then - no more happy hours at my favorite wine bar; no more buying a case of wine a week - a CASE! I missed the alcohol for the first year and a half, but not anymore. I miss the friendships every day. Still, I rarely talk about my alcoholism - indeed, I rarely use that word to describe myself - an indicator that this truth is still too painful to write about as openly I'd like.
Finally, I committed to the truth when I started writing this blog. When I wrote about friendships a couple weeks ago, it felt pretty raw and I was feeling vulnerable. So much so that I wanted to flee - from this blog, from sharing my feelings, from feeling so exposed. Yet, being committed to the truth means to be willing to look at the ways I've deceived myself. Running away from my feelings, from what other people might think, from being vulnerable - running away from living keeps me lonely. And I'm committed to the truth of finding peace and contentment. So I'll keep putting myself out there.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Thankful
I'm lying in my bed right now thinking of all the wonderful things that I have in my life. As Thanksgiving approaches, I definitely have a list to be thankful for.
1) My boys- they never cease to amaze me. Their curiosity, adventurous spirits and excitement always bring a smile to my face (even if it takes a bit of time in the case of reckless adventures)
2) My family - everyone gets along well. My husband loves his in-laws and my parents love my husband. (I can even trust my dad to take my hubby hunting without anyone getting shot at on purpose)
3) Our health - no one has a life threatening illness
4) Our jobs - I have to be thankful that we are gainfully employed and are not in the dire straits that so many others are faced with.
5) Myself - I really enjoy being me. I love spending time with my own thoughts, and I am not feeling a lot of self doubt at this point in my life.
I'm sure my list could continue, but it's time for me to snuggle up with a good book and relax.
I'll add some Halloween pictures of my boys tomorrow.
1) My boys- they never cease to amaze me. Their curiosity, adventurous spirits and excitement always bring a smile to my face (even if it takes a bit of time in the case of reckless adventures)
2) My family - everyone gets along well. My husband loves his in-laws and my parents love my husband. (I can even trust my dad to take my hubby hunting without anyone getting shot at on purpose)
3) Our health - no one has a life threatening illness
4) Our jobs - I have to be thankful that we are gainfully employed and are not in the dire straits that so many others are faced with.
5) Myself - I really enjoy being me. I love spending time with my own thoughts, and I am not feeling a lot of self doubt at this point in my life.
I'm sure my list could continue, but it's time for me to snuggle up with a good book and relax.
I'll add some Halloween pictures of my boys tomorrow.
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