Commitment to the Truth

Last year, a colleague and I were selected to participate in a resiliency project, designed to reduce secondary traumatic stress among child welfare staff. We attended workshops, participated in monthly consultation, and devised lists of strategies child welfare organizations could implement to improve morale and reduce turnover.

Last week, I was asked to review and revise one of the curriculum modules titled Healthy Coping. After researching the topic, I proposed that a child welfare organization would be healthy if attention were paid to: 1) Commitment to the Truth; 2) Empathic Attunement; and 3) Intentional Practice. Then I also had the realization that, although based in organizational theory and psychotherapy literature, these components apply equally as well to my life.

Commitment to the Truth has resonated most with me ever since...it does not mean seeking some grand narrative or Big T truth; rather, it means to look at the ways we deceive ourselves about the impact of our work, the decisions we make and the ways we behave (with apologies to Peter Senge for my liberal interpretation).

I like to think I'm committed to the truth, but have realized it isn't as simple as it seems. As much therapy as I've been in, one would think I'd have this figured out by now, but the truth is, I question whether it's possible to fully know oneself. If I'm constantly changing (and I hope I am), then wouldn't my truths change as well?
For example, for many years, I've met many of my social needs through work. I make friends at work and enjoy my time with co-workers. And although I like to think that I'm fair-minded and objective and can hear all sides of a story before coming to a conclusion, the truth is, I seek out office drama far too often, and tend to naively believe whoever is telling the story. Last week, I committed to the truth when I admitted I participated in gossip and that I was going to stop. Since then, I've been more productive at work, happier with how I spend my time, but honestly, I've been lonelier, too. I don't seek out my co-workers to socialize and realize I need to get my social needs met in a different way.

On a personal level, I committed to the truth when I admitted I could no longer control my drinking and needed to stop. Besides giving up alcohol, I also gave up my social life - at least as it was then - no more happy hours at my favorite wine bar; no more buying a case of wine a week - a CASE! I missed the alcohol for the first year and a half, but not anymore. I miss the friendships every day. Still, I rarely talk about my alcoholism - indeed, I rarely use that word to describe myself - an indicator that this truth is still too painful to write about as openly I'd like.

Finally, I committed to the truth when I started writing this blog. When I wrote about friendships a couple weeks ago, it felt pretty raw and I was feeling vulnerable. So much so that I wanted to flee - from this blog, from sharing my feelings, from feeling so exposed. Yet, being committed to the truth means to be willing to look at the ways I've deceived myself. Running away from my feelings, from what other people might think, from being vulnerable - running away from living keeps me lonely. And I'm committed to the truth of finding peace and contentment. So I'll keep putting myself out there.