Commitment to the Truth

Last year, a colleague and I were selected to participate in a resiliency project, designed to reduce secondary traumatic stress among child welfare staff. We attended workshops, participated in monthly consultation, and devised lists of strategies child welfare organizations could implement to improve morale and reduce turnover.

Last week, I was asked to review and revise one of the curriculum modules titled Healthy Coping. After researching the topic, I proposed that a child welfare organization would be healthy if attention were paid to: 1) Commitment to the Truth; 2) Empathic Attunement; and 3) Intentional Practice. Then I also had the realization that, although based in organizational theory and psychotherapy literature, these components apply equally as well to my life.

Commitment to the Truth has resonated most with me ever since...it does not mean seeking some grand narrative or Big T truth; rather, it means to look at the ways we deceive ourselves about the impact of our work, the decisions we make and the ways we behave (with apologies to Peter Senge for my liberal interpretation).

I like to think I'm committed to the truth, but have realized it isn't as simple as it seems. As much therapy as I've been in, one would think I'd have this figured out by now, but the truth is, I question whether it's possible to fully know oneself. If I'm constantly changing (and I hope I am), then wouldn't my truths change as well?
For example, for many years, I've met many of my social needs through work. I make friends at work and enjoy my time with co-workers. And although I like to think that I'm fair-minded and objective and can hear all sides of a story before coming to a conclusion, the truth is, I seek out office drama far too often, and tend to naively believe whoever is telling the story. Last week, I committed to the truth when I admitted I participated in gossip and that I was going to stop. Since then, I've been more productive at work, happier with how I spend my time, but honestly, I've been lonelier, too. I don't seek out my co-workers to socialize and realize I need to get my social needs met in a different way.

On a personal level, I committed to the truth when I admitted I could no longer control my drinking and needed to stop. Besides giving up alcohol, I also gave up my social life - at least as it was then - no more happy hours at my favorite wine bar; no more buying a case of wine a week - a CASE! I missed the alcohol for the first year and a half, but not anymore. I miss the friendships every day. Still, I rarely talk about my alcoholism - indeed, I rarely use that word to describe myself - an indicator that this truth is still too painful to write about as openly I'd like.

Finally, I committed to the truth when I started writing this blog. When I wrote about friendships a couple weeks ago, it felt pretty raw and I was feeling vulnerable. So much so that I wanted to flee - from this blog, from sharing my feelings, from feeling so exposed. Yet, being committed to the truth means to be willing to look at the ways I've deceived myself. Running away from my feelings, from what other people might think, from being vulnerable - running away from living keeps me lonely. And I'm committed to the truth of finding peace and contentment. So I'll keep putting myself out there.

Thankful

I'm lying in my bed right now thinking of all the wonderful things that I have in my life. As Thanksgiving approaches, I definitely have a list to be thankful for.


1) My boys- they never cease to amaze me. Their curiosity, adventurous spirits and excitement always bring a smile to my face (even if it takes a bit of time in the case of reckless adventures)


2) My family - everyone gets along well. My husband loves his in-laws and my parents love my husband. (I can even trust my dad to take my hubby hunting without anyone getting shot at on purpose)


3) Our health - no one has a life threatening illness


4) Our jobs - I have to be thankful that we are gainfully employed and are not in the dire straits that so many others are faced with.


5) Myself - I really enjoy being me. I love spending time with my own thoughts, and I am not feeling a lot of self doubt at this point in my life.


I'm sure my list could continue, but it's time for me to snuggle up with a good book and relax.


I'll add some Halloween pictures of my boys tomorrow.

I'm in a hurry to get things done.

I rush and rush until life's no fun. That's a song by the country band Alabama and it's been playing in my head all day. When I take time to listen, I know there's a reason why that particular song is the background to my daily activities. I spend most of my time, every day, including Saturday and Sunday, being in a hurry.

I have been getting up earlier and earlier - 4:30 a.m., then 4:20, then 4:00, then 3:40. I look at the clock and immediately calculate how much time I have to drink 2 cups of coffee (and only 2). I feed the dogs, let them out, let them in, read for a while, eat breakfast, take medicine, shower, dress, put on make-up, pack a lunch, pack up my briefcase, check e-mail and go to work. Usually by 7. Sometimes earlier. I'm supposed to be there at 8. Why am I in such a hurry to get there?

I drive to work fast...too fast. Almost always 10 or more miles over the speed limit. I don't like to be passed, and I like to be in front...front of what, I wonder? Why must I rush and rush?

I open our office, make a pot of coffee, bring in the newspapers, post the day's events, make a cup of tea, start my iPod, and turn on my computer. I look at my e-mail and respond to each message as soon as it hits my inbox. Why, I wonder, must I be so fast? I look over the day's activities and calculate how to get through each meeting, deliver each training program, return each phone call, and write each curriculum (which I break down into a certain number of pages per day; as in "if I write 5 pages every day for a week, I should have half of it done by Friday"). Is someone holding me to a deadline, you ask? No, not really. Is my job dependent on getting everything done yesterday? Absolutely not. The motivation is buried deep in my crazy head.

It's no wonder I feel worn out at 5:00 p.m. But the day's activities aren't over. I drive home - again, too fast. As quickly as I can, I drop off my purse and briefcase and rush to take out my contacts and change into jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers so I can drive to the lake and walk the dogs. Rush, rush, rush.

Even the walk is hurried. I walk Amber so fast that I've had people comment that I walk faster than some people run. I think to myself, "No, that can't be true." Who am I kidding? My kids won't go for walks with me because they think I walk too fast. My husband says what I consider leisurely he considers a work out. I'm in a hurry to get things done! But why?

Tomorrow we're going to Kansas to spend the weekend with three delightfully curious boys. They'll spend the night with us in our hotel suite where we'll go swimming, decorate a haunted house, watch a movie, and eat snacks. This Grandma is going to take a lesson from her grandsons and slow down and enjoy the moment. I have much to learn from them! I don't want to be in such a hurry that I miss the wonder of discovering a giant pumpkin or a hairy caterpillar. It's time I found (and lived) new background music. Doesn't Mary Poppins sing "Go to Sleep?" Maybe that would do it...as long as I'm not driving!

Monster Cookies

Monster Cookies

Prep Time: Depends on who’s “helping” me

Cook Time 12 Minutes (usually I try to move racks half way through)

Makes: 70 ish cookies

Ingredients

1½  sticks Butter

½ cups White Sugar

1½ cups Brown Sugar, Packed

2 whole Large Eggs

1 Tablespoon Vanilla Extract

½ cup Peanut Butter

1½ cups All-purpose Flour

½ teaspoons Baking Soda

1 teaspoon Baking Powder

2 teaspoons Kosher Salt

1½ cups Oats

½ cup Chocolate Chips (dark)

A bunch of Reeses Pieces

Preparation Instructions

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Throw the first 6 ingredients in the kitchen aid.  I usually throw the butter in straight from the fridge, who can plan ahead enough to “soften” the butter. 

I never mix my dry ingredients and then add to the wet.  What a pain in the rear end.  I put the soda, powder and salt directly in the mixer while it’s going and then start adding flour.  After that, add in the oats.  I turn off the mixer and add the chocolate chips and reeses pieces by hand.  I don’t want broken pieces in my cookies, but I suppose it all ends up tasting the same.

I truthfully can't measure diameter by sight, so I will forgo the typical __inch ball directions. Scoop some dough up and put it on a cookie sheet.  I put about 15 balls on a standard sized cookie sheet. I like to use my stoneware jellyroll pans. Then bake until lightly golden.  Don’t over-bake since they will keep cooking after you pull the pan out of the oven.  I move mine to a cooling rack after a few minutes on the pan.

Relationships

As I continue my journey toward right livelihood, I consider my relationships. Becoming more aware of one's relationships, so it goes, may help me determine whether I need a livelihood that includes connection to others. The rationale is that if you're highly motivated by connection - more than, for example, accomplishments - then you'll seek a career that involves collaboration, team projects, and/or socialization.

My memory is that I had many friends as a child. Yet as I reflect back, I realize that I usually had 2 close friends and many acquaintances. As a young child, my friendships were based on proximity - if there were girls my age in the neighborhood, we became friends. I remember 2 in particular - one with whom I played "house," and the other was my partner in song and dance acts. Neither friendship lasted. One moved away; the other...I'm not sure what happened. We grew apart.

Besides making friends with girls who lived nearby, I also sought out those with whom I shared an interest. I recall spending time with a girl who was considered odd by most of our classmates, but she was smart and we both loved to read so we would ride our bikes to the library every day during the summer. I particularly loved the freedom that came from riding so far from home and picking out books that I selected...no parent to assist or guide me. What autonomy!

In junior high, my 2 closest friends were girls from my church. We were in youth group, confirmation, and creative dance together and frankly, were pretty stuck up. We thought we were "all that" and weren't kind to the other girls at church. The 3 of us went to camp together in 7th, 8th, and 9th grades and acted the same there. We had a ball, but were oblivious to those who weren't in our clique. As fondly as I think of them today, I feel terrible for the way we treated the other girls.

I had many friends in high school. Slumber parties at my house, eating my mom's homemade tacos, staying up all night playing "heavy as a rock/light as a feather" and talking about boys were common weekend activities. I often felt as though I was coordinating our weekends - talking on the phone for hours arranging who would drive, who would pick up whom, what we were going to do, re-arranging it all if someone couldn't come, and then calling everyone again. I spent a lot of time on the phone. Which really is ironic since today I detest talking on the phone.

Although I maintained friendships with some of my junior high and high school friends through college, there were few. And even fewer after I got married. A couple years ago I remember reading The Girls from Ames and wondering why my friendships didn't last. Perhaps partly because I moved away from my hometown, but is there more to it than that? I wonder if it's because I married someone outside our group, or if it's because I quit drinking, or if it's just that we no longer had the same interests.

I've had great friends at work, but when I leave a job, I tend not to continue the friendships. We've had friends in our neighborhoods, but when we move to a new house, those friendships end. We've traveled with friends, but no longer see them. I've made friends when we've shared common interests - riding motorcycles, for example - but we stopped attending group rides and the friendships have dissipated.

So where does this leave me? First, I recognize that I have sustained a relationship with a man for 31 years which is quite a feat! I've also got great connections with my adult children and love nothing more than spending time with them. Shopping with my daughter, watching football with my son, celebrating every holiday with my son, daughter, son-in-law, and grandkids - these are the activities I love most.

I have a few very close friends and am happy when we meet for coffee or lunch, but I no longer feel compelled to join every group, go out every weekend, or attend every social event. It's important to me to be connected to the people I work with, and I enjoy teaching groups of people, but socially, I'd much rather be a part of an intimate gathering than a large party. I like working collaboratively, but am as happy pursuing solitary activities. I need both - a few supportive friends AND the freedom to be autonomous and solitary. I don't think there's balance in this - sometimes I want to be with people and sometimes I want to be alone. This week I happen to have a schedule that is packed both professionally and personally and I find it draining. Next week is likely to be quieter and then I'll miss the busy connectedness of this week. If I keep striving for balance, I'll go nutty. Much better to see the bigger picture and enjoy what is. Now that would be something to aspire to!

I tried to spend some time playing outside with my boys this weekend.  They love to explore and collect while they're outdoors. Foofer was gathering sticks from the front yard to make a pile on Friday night. 

 On Sunday morning, Luke was getting ready to close our swimming pool for the winter, so the boys and I went out in the backyard to play.  In between adding chemicals, Luke made a compost bin for the boys.  Ner has been asking for one for weeks.

 Then the boys enjoyed filling the bin.  I sure hope it works.  I guess we will see in a few months.

 After lunch today, I helped the boys build their Geo-Trax cities.  I tried to make a separate loop for each boy, so they didn't fight too much. 

 Then we looked for bugs.  Geebie is fascinated by the katydids.

 Ner was looking for worms (for the compost?)  Maybe, but most likely he just wanted to poke and prod the poor creature until it died.  Luckily for the worms, he didn't find one.  On Saturday, Ner and Foofer found a slug and decided to give it a bubble bath.  Needless to say, it had expired by the end of that experience.

All in all, it has been a beautiful weekend.  Now its time to start homework and grading so that we will be ready for a new week. 

Just like Mom

I feel guilty that I haven't posted in a few days, but this week has been killer and next week isn't looking any better.  I started Cognitive Coaching training Thursday and Friday, and while the information has been fascinating about how to help people by mediating their thinking, I am mentally exhausted.  Meanwhile, it was also parent teacher conferences this week for both my school in my teacher role and for my son's school in my parent role.  That effectively means that I got to work an extra 8 hours this week while trying to coordinate with my husband, so that he could fill in the gaps where I normally pitch in.

All in all, I am feeling rather stressed, and I don't even want to talk (let alone think) about next week's agenda. So tonight I did something I love more than anything in the whole world!  I grabbed a nice, restful book (Mitford series by Jan Karon) and sat in a bubble bath.  This is my go to destresser.  After getting out, I decided to check the blog and see what Mom was up to, and I was pleasantly surprised. 

I didn't realize our childhoods were such mirror images. 

1. I loved to read. I read a lot of classics (including many of my mother and grandmother's old books)
2. I loved, loved, loved A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.  I also loved the Little House on the Prarie books.  I remember feeling so grown up that I could read them in first grade.
3. I loved to put on song and dance routines with my best friend. We did Les Mis about a million times.  I think our parents finally drew the line when we reenacted it with Barbies!
4. I had a hate-love relationship with piano. Started lessons at 7, and continued for about 10 years. I remember wanting to quit, but Mom wouldn't let me, that was the one thing that she forced me to do.  I would get so mad about practicing and pound the keys so hard, but the madder I was, the better I played.
5. I had a banana seat bike that I'd hop on and pull my friend around on her rollerskates.  We spent most of our time outdoors making potions and forts, climbing trees, and exploring our neighborhood.
6. I loved animals. I begged for a cat for so long, finally my mom brought home the cutest little black kitten. We named him Boo.
7. I loved animals so much that I cried my eyes out when any animals got hurt in movies, but I wasn't the least bit moved when the people died.
8. I thought I'd become an assassin. In fact, I disliked the kids in middle school so much, I was devising ways of extracting poisons from plants in order to kill them. I checked out library books all about poisonous plants.
9. We had a creek near our house - I loved to play there - usually trying to locate animal life and study it.
10. My younger brother and I played many different board games. I always cheated, but he rarely caught me.
11. And finally, my favorite thing to do was lay in the bathtub with sunflower seeds, and a good book, reading and eating until the water got cold-then I'd drain and refill and keep on reading. 

I guess that's a case study of Nature being stronger than nurture.  I wonder how many of these will crop up in my boys' childhoods?  I'm looking forward to finding out.

P.S. - the picture Ner made on the computer and it was just so cute that I added it