Relationships

As I continue my journey toward right livelihood, I consider my relationships. Becoming more aware of one's relationships, so it goes, may help me determine whether I need a livelihood that includes connection to others. The rationale is that if you're highly motivated by connection - more than, for example, accomplishments - then you'll seek a career that involves collaboration, team projects, and/or socialization.

My memory is that I had many friends as a child. Yet as I reflect back, I realize that I usually had 2 close friends and many acquaintances. As a young child, my friendships were based on proximity - if there were girls my age in the neighborhood, we became friends. I remember 2 in particular - one with whom I played "house," and the other was my partner in song and dance acts. Neither friendship lasted. One moved away; the other...I'm not sure what happened. We grew apart.

Besides making friends with girls who lived nearby, I also sought out those with whom I shared an interest. I recall spending time with a girl who was considered odd by most of our classmates, but she was smart and we both loved to read so we would ride our bikes to the library every day during the summer. I particularly loved the freedom that came from riding so far from home and picking out books that I selected...no parent to assist or guide me. What autonomy!

In junior high, my 2 closest friends were girls from my church. We were in youth group, confirmation, and creative dance together and frankly, were pretty stuck up. We thought we were "all that" and weren't kind to the other girls at church. The 3 of us went to camp together in 7th, 8th, and 9th grades and acted the same there. We had a ball, but were oblivious to those who weren't in our clique. As fondly as I think of them today, I feel terrible for the way we treated the other girls.

I had many friends in high school. Slumber parties at my house, eating my mom's homemade tacos, staying up all night playing "heavy as a rock/light as a feather" and talking about boys were common weekend activities. I often felt as though I was coordinating our weekends - talking on the phone for hours arranging who would drive, who would pick up whom, what we were going to do, re-arranging it all if someone couldn't come, and then calling everyone again. I spent a lot of time on the phone. Which really is ironic since today I detest talking on the phone.

Although I maintained friendships with some of my junior high and high school friends through college, there were few. And even fewer after I got married. A couple years ago I remember reading The Girls from Ames and wondering why my friendships didn't last. Perhaps partly because I moved away from my hometown, but is there more to it than that? I wonder if it's because I married someone outside our group, or if it's because I quit drinking, or if it's just that we no longer had the same interests.

I've had great friends at work, but when I leave a job, I tend not to continue the friendships. We've had friends in our neighborhoods, but when we move to a new house, those friendships end. We've traveled with friends, but no longer see them. I've made friends when we've shared common interests - riding motorcycles, for example - but we stopped attending group rides and the friendships have dissipated.

So where does this leave me? First, I recognize that I have sustained a relationship with a man for 31 years which is quite a feat! I've also got great connections with my adult children and love nothing more than spending time with them. Shopping with my daughter, watching football with my son, celebrating every holiday with my son, daughter, son-in-law, and grandkids - these are the activities I love most.

I have a few very close friends and am happy when we meet for coffee or lunch, but I no longer feel compelled to join every group, go out every weekend, or attend every social event. It's important to me to be connected to the people I work with, and I enjoy teaching groups of people, but socially, I'd much rather be a part of an intimate gathering than a large party. I like working collaboratively, but am as happy pursuing solitary activities. I need both - a few supportive friends AND the freedom to be autonomous and solitary. I don't think there's balance in this - sometimes I want to be with people and sometimes I want to be alone. This week I happen to have a schedule that is packed both professionally and personally and I find it draining. Next week is likely to be quieter and then I'll miss the busy connectedness of this week. If I keep striving for balance, I'll go nutty. Much better to see the bigger picture and enjoy what is. Now that would be something to aspire to!